I don’t remember the last time I just sat in silence in the middle of the night and just mindlessly typed on my laptop/blogged/whatever. It has been forever. I haven’t updated my LiveJournal (I know, who still does that right?) in god knows how long and I haven’t really posted anything truly on here in… well… a long time too.
Things have been up and down lately. Thankfully I’m done with school, at least until June, but at least I have a major now even if it does mean I’ll be here for another year maybe. I’m suffocating knowing that all my friends will be graduating next year, and I’ll be stuck here for a while longer. I feel like I’ve failed, but I know that it’s more common to be on the 5 year track… but still. Other than school, work has been driving me up the wall thanks to bitchy CPs and their stupid high and mighty attitudes. I’m really pushing through until I get my 1 year pin then I’m seriously considering moving from Nemo because I’m sick of the show and some of the people that I work with.
Apart from those two things, Improv has became a big part of my life again. Monday nights I’m performing at Natura with my new group Penguin Knife Fight, then Tuesday I’m at SAK and soon I’ll be volunteering (hopefully). Though I know I’m not a strong performer, I’ve been told I’ve been getting better and it’s nice to be on stage even if it is a little one at Natura. Not only is it about the performing, it’s about the people. I have my own group now, which is nice. I have people who I hang out with on a regular basis, who I hope genuinely like me. It’s nice to have a “thing” to do each week, and people that you can rely to be there and hang out with you after the shows. I enjoy having a group to hang out with that’s outside UCF and my circle of friends from this area, along with the fact that the majority are a lot older than me and I seem to get along with people who aren’t my age…
… which then brings me to my next thing. I don’t understand what it is lately, but I’m being hit/I’m attracted too guys who are significantly older than I am (I’m talking early to mid-thirties). I know, it’s strange especially since my Dad is in his late 30s so it makes it even more awkward but I don’t know what it is. I’m not sure what’s going on with me or how I seem to lure these older guys in. I mean, it’s not a bad issue but it’s something that’s really got me down the past 24 hours. I can’t seem to attract guys my own age/be attracted to someone my own age. The last few guys I’ve dated have been mid-twenties, and I’m not sure why that is. I do prefer to date guys a little older than I am but though age is just a number, it’s where we are in our lives that matters to me. Like, one of the 30-something guys I mentioned plays a character in Finding Nemo and has a 2 year old kid and sure he was completely upfront and basically told me he just wants to fuck me. But seriously, a 2 year old kid?! I just couldn’t… I can’t… and I won’t.
I’m done with that… and I’ve said this before, and countless times the last couple of weeks and stuff but after having a thirty minute crying session during a bubble bath, I think I’ve come to the conclusion that I’m stopping myself from looking. I’m done fucking around. I’m done leading people on and that whole bullshit. Sure, I’ll still flirt because that’s just my personality but I’m serious about not dating people unless I really and truly think that I like them. I liked someone a lot about a month ago now, and ended those things thinking something else was better and though I don’t regret the decision. I just wished I had stuck with it, because sometimes I think about it and know that I can’t get that back.
We’ll see how I feel about all this in about 9 hours because I’m meeting with Jon for coffee. I haven’t seen him since before Christmas, I think. Sure, there are times I miss what we had but I know there are no feelings there anymore and there will never be again. I say this now, as I start tearing up and I want to say that that’s not true, but it is. Though he is sweet for making a real effort to see me, I know it’s only to be nice since he is in the area because we rarely talk so I know that all we’ll be now is just acquaintances.
… Wow. How is that even possible? That idea of being madly in love with someone; being someone’s first love, living together for months and being their “first”… to going to speaking maybe once every six months…
I can’t get over it. But that’s life, so get used to it.
I guess, what I’m really trying to say is that I do want something… someone… real. Feelings and everything. I want to feel again because I’m going back to that numb state and it scares me a lot.
I’m not going to force anything, I let it come to me… but it’s just that, that I need to work on. To stop making something happen and let it just happen.
I guess you could just say that I’m craving something beautiful.
For those of you who keep asking for a more detailed description of my shitty New Year and the car accident, here ya go.
YesterDAY was great because it was my first day off after working 5 days straight which included overtime at Finding Nemo so I pretty much slept the day away. When I woke, I rushed to get ready to head over to Epcot with my Nemo girls and it was exciting because I’d never done Disney for New Years and it was going to be a fun Girls Night Out.
Well obviously things never turn out the way you plan. I was the first one there and spent about 30 mins on my own dancing, which was fun because with everyone surrounding me it was just a cool environment. Finally my friends showed up and so I met up with them but a few of them were cranky because they just wanted to get food and didn’t care too much about waiting to meet up with people which is understandable because I get cranky too when I don’t eat for a while. Anywho, so I finally met up with my friends then we met up with our other friends and everything was all fine and dandy until half the group needed the restroom and one of our friends (we’ll refer them as X) from the group I was with was going to leave. My friend (Y) wanted to walk X out and so Y didn’t have to walk back alone I said that I’d walk with them and I asked my other friend Z if they wanted to wait for the rest of our group to get out of the restroom or come with us. Z decided to come with us since we were going in the direction where Z wanted to meet up with one of their friends. On our way out to the exit we bumped into one of our fellow coworkers and said hi, along with one of the techies from Nemo and so Y said that they’d walk X out to the very front of the park and we could wait where we were. So we did. By the time Y was back it was already 11:40ish and the traffic was crazy and we were supposed to meet the rest of our group in Japan to watch the fireworks but we would have never made it in time so we just stayed where we were so we wouldn’t miss anything. But Z promised to meet their friend somewhere so she disappeared and then Y was worried that one of the members from the other group wouldn’t take her home because everyone seemed to be in a pissy mood so she left. So technically I rang in the New Year alone, luckily I had our techie friend and his friends standing next to me but it wasn’t really the same…
ANYWAY after all that we finally met up with each other again, emotions were high and people were crying and even though I was trying to explain to people that it wasn’t anyone specifics fault, I just ended up walking away and breaking down. So within the first hour of 2012 I was already in tears.
Then I got the pleasure of being stuck in Disney traffic forever and eventually made to the 417. I was turning onto the Sanford exit and then the next thing I know a red truck is merging into my lane, I beep my horn to let him know that someone was beside him and he continued to merge into my lane causing the following damage
I’m unable to open my front and back passenger doors, my mirror is missing and well it’s just a mess.
Not only did that happen but my only family member in the freakin USA did not pick up his phone. I needed my father, I needed to hear his voice and let him know what happened but he didn’t pick up his phone. I was a wreck, I am still a wreck. The idea that it could have been worse and he wouldn’t have known scares me half to death. All he says in return is that there is no reason to be worried, after I tell him that I am worried about not being able to rely on him. I’m just scared… The fact that other than him the only people I can call are my friends but the majority of people I called did not pick up either. Of all the people I talked to my Mum who is, in case you don’t know, IN ENGLAND and five hours ahead. She was the last person I expected to speak to after the accident. Of course there was my roommate, and my friend Charles and a few of my coworkers who called to make sure I was okay but that was after I was already home from the accident and such… I just needed someone to respond as soon as it happen… But no one did :/
I realize it was New Years and people were partying, drunk, turned off their phones because of the ridiculous amount of ‘Happy New Year’ texts that they would get, etc. etc.
But the idea of me not being able to get a hold of anyone when the accident happened just petrifies me.
Who do I have here to turn too? Who can I call at anytime and rely on them answering? Who can I trust to have my back if something like this happens again?
I have no fucking idea. I just know that I really, really, need to figure out my life. I know, I’m pathetic and being one of those people who reevaluates their lives after they get into an accident but it happened at the right time, being on the first day of the New Year.
I really need a break from everyone and focus on myself and who I have in my life; Who I can trust, who I can rely on, who I consider my actual friends and who I really care for deeply.
Even though I’m entirely grateful for everyones support and asking me if I’m okay, but at this moment… at that moment… I’ve never felt more alone.
It hit me all at once today in the form of sleep.
I slept through two of my classes and I don't even give a fuck that I missed them.
Maybe I'm taking on too much this semester with classes, work, being president of Improv Uknighted and being an understudy of a lead in a show.
This is the first semester that I've had a job during the actual school year. It's also the first time I've been President of a club and to top it all off I've never been a lead in a show before and since I get to play that lead at least one night I have been memorizing like a boss.
Then there is my "social" life where I'm trying to get closer to my coworkers, hang out with my UCF and Improv people and make new friends.
In this "social" life, is my "love" life where there is nothing to thrilling going on.
My past love life came up last night since I saw the cast preview of the Halloween Parade and I just wanted to cry. All my friends where excited cause it was their first time seeing the parade, whereas I just stood there in silence remembering that night where Jon and I were all cute, coupley and dressed up as Mickey and Minnie Mouse and seeing that parade for the first time.
I have been fine but now it's getting to that time where we broke up and so thoughts, feelings and things are being brought back up and it's breaking my heart all over again.
He'd told me that he'd be the one to contact me if he wanted us to talk, he hasn't, which is completely okay but I keep "waiting" in hopes that he will follow through with it and will want to speak to me but it's understandable if he doesn't ever. I'm sure I'm not on his mind at all. He is happy with Christine, and all I can do is be happy for them.
I just hate how the whole "England" thing is now their thing when it was Jon and I's thing, since ya know, I'm the British one but that's just me being petty.
I need to not care about anything with him. He was an important part of my life, he was there for all the key moments of my high school and teenage years but the key word for all of this is that he was there. He isn't anymore.
So Crystal, deal with it.
so happy to be back<3
Did you think of me at all while you were in Orlando?
Or am I just now a chapter in your life that has ended and you are not wanting to see if there is a continuation?
I can't tell. I don't know what/how you feel.
I want to ask, but it's not my place anymore.
Waiting for you to open the lines of communication other than the random text here and there...
Even if we are just friends, and stay friends forever... I'd think I'd take that, and the pain that I'm sure it'll bring with it, rather than not talk to you ever again.
Hopefully once these next few weeks are over I can sit down and tell you guys everything but until then, I really am a loss.
- Current Mood: uncomfortable
It just hit me that this will be the first time in four years that I will not be attending FlaRF (Florida Renaissance Faire). It makes me sad that I won’t be dressing up, hanging out with my friends, eating pickles, walking around, watching people get insulted, etc. But I know that going there would be worse than not going all together.
I’m curious to know if Jon will be attending the faire, I’m assuming yes because it hasn’t missed one (as far as I know) for seven-ish years (I may be off a year or two). If he does, I hope he has a great time, of course I’m sure he’ll be reminded of me and I hope he is because we have some amazing memories there; lying under the stars and just talking all night, my tent with Nikki and Chrissy getting collapsed the first year I attended faire, Valentines Day 2009, and many, many more. As long as they bring him a smile, like they do for me that’s all that matters. I just want to be remembered and those memories to be cherished, that’s all.
I hope all of my friends who are avid faire goers are having an amazing time and I can’t wait to see pictures. Maybe I’ll go to the faire in Tampa with Lindsey and/or Katie assuming we have time to go. Just have to wait and see, I guess.
- Current Mood: apathetic