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May 3rd, 2012

it's been a while...

I don’t remember the last time I just sat in silence in the middle of the night and just mindlessly typed on my laptop/blogged/whatever. It has been forever. I haven’t updated my LiveJournal (I know, who still does that right?) in god knows how long and I haven’t really posted anything truly on here in… well… a long time too.

Things have been up and down lately. Thankfully I’m done with school, at least until June, but at least I have a major now even if it does mean I’ll be here for another year maybe. I’m suffocating knowing that all my friends will be graduating next year, and I’ll be stuck here for a while longer. I feel like I’ve failed, but I know that it’s more common to be on the 5 year track… but still. Other than school, work has been driving me up the wall thanks to bitchy CPs and their stupid high and mighty attitudes. I’m really pushing through until I get my 1 year pin then I’m seriously considering moving from Nemo because I’m sick of the show and some of the people that I work with.

Apart from those two things, Improv has became a big part of my life again. Monday nights I’m performing at Natura with my new group Penguin Knife Fight, then Tuesday I’m at SAK and soon I’ll be volunteering (hopefully). Though I know I’m not a strong performer, I’ve been told I’ve been getting better and it’s nice to be on stage even if it is a little one at Natura. Not only is it about the performing, it’s about the people. I have my own group now, which is nice. I have people who I hang out with on a regular basis, who I hope genuinely like me. It’s nice to have a “thing” to do each week, and people that you can rely to be there and hang out with you after the shows. I enjoy having a group to hang out with that’s outside UCF and my circle of friends from this area, along with the fact that the majority are a lot older than me and I seem to get along with people who aren’t my age…

… which then brings me to my next thing. I don’t understand what it is lately, but I’m being hit/I’m attracted too guys who are significantly older than I am (I’m talking early to mid-thirties). I know, it’s strange especially since my Dad is in his late 30s so it makes it even more awkward but I don’t know what it is. I’m not sure what’s going on with me or how I seem to lure these older guys in. I mean, it’s not a bad issue but it’s something that’s really got me down the past 24 hours. I can’t seem to attract guys my own age/be attracted to someone my own age. The last few guys I’ve dated have been mid-twenties, and I’m not sure why that is. I do prefer to date guys a little older than I am but though age is just a number, it’s where we are in our lives that matters to me. Like, one of the 30-something guys I mentioned plays a character in Finding Nemo and has a 2 year old kid and sure he was completely upfront and basically told me he just wants to fuck me. But seriously, a 2 year old kid?! I just couldn’t… I can’t… and I won’t.

I’m done with that… and I’ve said this before, and countless times the last couple of weeks and stuff but after having a thirty minute crying session during a bubble bath, I think I’ve come to the conclusion that I’m stopping myself from looking. I’m done fucking around. I’m done leading people on and that whole bullshit. Sure, I’ll still flirt because that’s just my personality but I’m serious about not dating people unless I really and truly think that I like them. I liked someone a lot about a month ago now, and ended those things thinking something else was better and though I don’t regret the decision. I just wished I had stuck with it, because sometimes I think about it and know that I can’t get that back.

We’ll see how I feel about all this in about 9 hours because I’m meeting with Jon for coffee. I haven’t seen him since before Christmas, I think. Sure, there are times I miss what we had but I know there are no feelings there anymore and there will never be again. I say this now, as I start tearing up and I want to say that that’s not true, but it is. Though he is sweet for making a real effort to see me, I know it’s only to be nice since he is in the area because we rarely talk so I know that all we’ll be now is just acquaintances.

… Wow. How is that even possible? That idea of being madly in love with someone; being someone’s first love, living together for months and being their “first”… to going to speaking maybe once every six months…

I can’t get over it. But that’s life, so get used to it.

I guess, what I’m really trying to say is that I do want something… someone… real. Feelings and everything. I want to feel again because I’m going back to that numb state and it scares me a lot.

I’m not going to force anything, I let it come to me… but it’s just that, that I need to work on. To stop making something happen and let it just happen.

I guess you could just say that I’m craving something beautiful.

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